Petition for today: Lord, may I learn to welcome upheaval, difficulty, my own fragility. May I, as You, not give up during moments of darkness. And at these times may I know how to turn to You with more trust than ever.
It felt like an out of body experience. I could see my face going blank and hear my voice as if it were someone else talking. I saw, rather than felt, the tears building up.
The professor was not the monster in that room. The only monsters there were my own insecurities: telling me that I did not know the case well enough to recite it, compelling me to just take the easy way out by saying that I had not read the case.
I am more sorry than I can say. Sorry for letting the professor down, sorry for ruining the good mood my classmates strove to maintain, sorry for not being clever or sure enough with my answers.
So many apologies, but they can only take me so far into everyone’s good graces. Action would be better but which action? To drop and end everyone’s misery or to soldier on as if I were the only person in that class with something to prove?
I am 18 years old. I live somewhere out there with my family. I just finished my A levels. I AM FAT, around 78 kg. And I hate myself.
I have been fat pretty much all my life. But I have never been bullied because of it. I’d get teased sometimes in school. But it was never that horrific. Just someone in school leaving a snide comment about me being fat. It hurt. But it passed as well. This was in primary school. Grade 2 or grade 3. It was then when nothing mattered. When everything was beautiful. Rainbows and unicorns and fairies. There was nothing that either your mom or your teacher couldn’t fix. Then when everything was fixable.
Not anymore though. Now everything’s a mess. I don’t hate my life. I just hate myself. I hate the ugly monster that looks back at me whenever I look into…
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I talk a lot about self-acceptance, and something that is continually brought up is whether or not we should always accept ourselves, even if it’s for some less-than-desirable traits. My opinion on that, whether or not I’ve expressed it clearly enough, is that acceptance doesn’t have to mean we’re exuberant about every part of ourselves. Sometimes, it means we have to come to terms with what we need to work on, then love ourselves enough to admit that we were wrong, and to try to be better. You don’t have to change who you are, but these are some of the reasons why you may have to change how you think, feel or behave.
1. Whether subconsciously or not, you think you can control other people, and become frustrated when you realize you cannot. There is a great deal of stress that we experience every time something doesn’t work out…
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I fall in love with stories, not characters.
Last night, I went drinking with a couple of blockmates for the very first time. And, needless to say, the topic of love came up as it is wont to do when there is a gathering of filipinos which involves even the tiniest bit of alcohol. A friend shared a story with me, a story so great there is a blog post about it hiding somewhere in the internet. I just finished reading that story and wow oh wow, I had an epiphany of major proportions. The quote above encapsulates that epiphany. Stories. I love stories. Not characters, not people, but their stories. Stories which have a clear beginning and, most importantly, a definitive ending. Characters go on, they even make appearances in sequels and spin-offs but the stories are different and there will always be someone new.
Think about it. Think about you, and all the moments that have make you who you are. Remove all those moments, those stories, and what are you left with? That is what people should fall in love with. That which is left when everything else is stripped away.
Teach me. Someone teach me how to love that way, that in particular.
Infinite patience produces immediate results.
I tried to find who actually said this but the internet has failed me. Please let me know because this quote has changed my life and I need to know if this person said anything else that I can use to get over this constant anxiety over time. (Edited. Thank you, @jiojared!)
(UPDATE: Quote is from Wayne Dyer)
So…my blockmates have put me in Twitter jail. To be completely honest, I’m a bit tipsy right now but I’m still awake because I need to write a paper for my Legal Bibliography class. It’s a really annoying topic too: The RH Law (as if we don’t have other things we should focus on by now.)
I’m not saying it’s not important, by the way, it’s very, very, very important that this get resolved in the right manner but I just feel like it’s taking up too much space. There is so much more going on than this debate. Off the top of my head, there’s the Hapsay Dalan project by the new administration in CDO, the Peace Talks between the MILF and the Government of the RP (which is going nowhere, understandably), the new coding scheme being touted by the MMDA, and Bianca Gonzales’ haterade over illegal settlers (yes, it’s a problem but these are human beings you can’t pack them up in a box and send them wherever there’s space).
So…this Legal Bibliography paper is getting to me. I don’t know how to write a paper anymore. It’s a bit sad, but it’s true. Citations are so important but I don’t know if I’m doing it right because this is new material for me. (We’re supposed to cite the Records of the Constitutional Commission.) Feel free to write a suggestion though.
I’ve been tweeting nonsense for the past twenty minutes and it’s cluttering up people’s timelines and it feels so good to be told to shut up after a week where my brain has just been going, and going, and going. Oh dear, is that the time?