Just a thought, I think.

Just a thought, I think..

^This blog post basically encapsulates the mindset I adopted  so that I would not fall back into destructive patterns. However, a major flaw in my master plan is it was never about deprivation. It was, is, about control. Controlling the calories. Controlling my life. Controlling every tangible thing possible. Putting myself in an environment where the only pain I could feel was the pain I inflicted on myself.

Another thing: In moments of weakness, I envy sick people, starving children, impoverished drug addicts because they are so oppressed by the lives they are born into that they seem to have no real choices before them. These people are without tangibles. They are without the confusing plethora of choices that “assault” me every single day. Their destinies seem so out of their control that, really, there is no pressure to choose to be something else. This is bullshit thinking, of course, and I fight against this everyday.

I want to be an attorney so that I can empower these people and force options onto them. So that they can prove me wrong by not succumbing to the pressure and the temptations. So that I can show myself these choices were not placed before me to trip me up.

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