Law School: An Introduction
This is not an Intro to Law blog. If you stumble upon it thinking that it is, please leave. You will find no words of generic encouragement and fellow-feeling here. I entitled this entry ‘Law School: An Introduction’ because I feel it apt to remind myself that this is only the beginning. This burnt out feeling will soon be replaced by the desire to achieve, the desire to stand out and contribute to the discussion. In one of my favourite movies of all time, the phrase ‘Life is a race.’ is used as an antithesis to the main character’s philosophy of chasing excellence as opposed to success. I don’t know why I felt the need to type that, but I’m sure I’ll get back to it later.
Burnt-out, heavy-hearted, are just two things that describe the way I feel right now. Even if these are weighty feelings, they do not seem to encapsulate just how much I dread each and everyday of my life. I promised myself it would not be like this; that I would be strong; that I would be the person I’ve been trying to be for my entire life. I made a lot of promises actually. And I’ve already broken most of them. That’s what it is: I am broken by all the things I have broken. I assumed that law school would be my Princess Diaries moment. That moment when I take charge of my destiny and ride out into the sunset to chase down my demons. Instead, here I am at home after having just missed my Constitutional Law class for the nth time, to the disappointment of my blockmates (and probably my professor who might think I am dropping his class). What made me stay home? I am not sick. I am not in pain. I am merely…afraid. Afraid that this is not for me. Afraid that I might embarrass myself. Afraid that I cannot live up to the very high expectations that others have set for me.
I thought getting into UP Law was my validation. That it meant I was special. It actually just means I managed to test better than a few thousand other applicants. There is no throne waiting for one who enters into prestigious institutions like Malcolm Hall. You carve the throne out for yourself and I am doing a poor job of it, indeed. I have missed several classes, skipped over several readings and failed entirely to appreciate the position I am in. I have every opportunity to seize greatness and yet the thought of doing just that makes me want to stick a finger down my throat.
I never liked underdogs. I always wanted to begin excellently and maintain that excellence. I am only now beginning to understand that what irked me the most about dark horse narratives was the grit, the hard work. To me, things have always come easy. I have been blessed by God at all times and turns of my life. He has truly paved the way for me and yet I refuse to go toe-to-toe with any of the obstacles set before me until I absolutely have to. Indulging in cram culture is second only to breathing, it seems. This needs to stop, of course. They say acceptance is the first part of solving your problems but what happens next? What happens now?