Sometimes words are tiring. They take up so much of my time. Time spent pulling them from memory, analyzing whether I have chosen the perfect set, and mouthing them each perfectly to get my point across. And yet, even after all the time spent on those words, they take on a life of their own, giving a different meaning than what was intended. I suppose they are like children in the way that they so quickly become what they truly are once they leave you.
In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
“Rats and roaches live by competition under the laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy.”
Just a while ago, I took my Legal History exam. It was a two hour ordeal and I have never felt so clueless, so unprepared, so frustrated in my entire life. The exam was really difficult. I felt so angry. I felt so sad. I went home and instead of going out with my sisters and my cousins to the night market, I chose to stay at home and have a good cry. I tried calling my dad but I immediately began to cry and become incoherent when he came on the line. Distraught and on the verge of tears himself, he passed the phone to my mom but she couldn’t hear me very well and so I just hung up the phone. I took out my laptop and decided to listen to upbeat songs on Youtube and I stumbled upon this one while looking through Ariana Grande songs. Instead of communicating with my dad tonight, my Father spoke to me. THE Father.
And suddenly I remembered to be still. I remembered that it is not through my strength, but through His alone that I can win this battle.
“ad majora natus sum”
Sitting here still without anything to do,
Maybe it’s nothing but I gotta see this through,
No, my feelings ain’t nothing and I got so much to say,
Cause I wanted something else, not a lonely, lonely day.
-AJ Rafael, Little Piece of Home
- because my right eye is swollen and it hurts more than anything
- because I missed constitutional law class for the 7th time
- because I want to drop out of law school but no one is letting me
- because I’m tired
- because I know I can do better but I’m not sure I want to
- because I’m pretty sure I’m the worst person ever.